THE INTOXICATION SERIES VI

For the unfamiliar and dumb readers, a small introduction regarding the intoxication series of blogs. These blogs do not represent the cutting edge (if there is such a thing) in blogs. These blogs do not represent the great strides mankind has made over the years. These blogs do not represent the brighter side of life. These blogs may not represent the truth always. These blogs may not be up-to-date. These blogs may be the greatest pieces of writing by an Indian (definitely better than anything written by Arundati Rai… the other Rai seems to have hit jackpot with Mr. Motorokr). These blogs are definitely very different from anything you may have read in your life. These blogs… these blogs… these blogs… well, I could go on forever, but let me keep it “short and sweet”. What you have been reading took me about a nanosecond to make up… and what I am about to write will take a millisecond for you to understand… this blog is the exhaustive definition of intoxicating crap.

And if you have remembered through all the “do not”s, “may not be”s, “may be”s and “definitely”s, this blog is in fact titled the sixth, and not the fifth. Well… the fifth was not really socially acceptable, but I intend to polish it before I put it up… (crap!)

THE INTOXICATION SERIES IV

Ten things which aren’t fair… Ten things which shouldn’t be discussed… Ten things which are unique to India… Ten things which define India.

1. Sachin ‘Ten’dulkar shouldn’t be asked to retire. After all, he has given his life to the game. He has the right to suck whatever life is left in it now. And quite seriously, how do you expect to know what is the newest product in the market without the girlish voice drooling over it?
2. It is not correct to expect Yuvraj to shut up when the BCCI tells him to. He did not bat when the whole of India wanted him to! And he is used to blabbering on TV ads anyways. Remember, he did give a one-liner there too!
3. Air India shouldn’t be blamed for the lack of nose-gear on some of its planes. Its after all, a million to one chance that something may go wrong in a plane, and on Air India, that millionth part turned out to be the front tyres. And don’t tell me the plane can’t run on sixteen other tyres.
4. It isn’t fair to expect Rahul to know history. Atleast not Indian history. After all, all our bedtime stories come from our parents. In his case, his father was flying around in planes, and so was his head. And his mother is an Italian. So, you should expect him to know Italian history.
5. Its not correct to oppose the reservations in education and/or jobs. After all, the Supreme Court did say “We like to be called backward”. So, the more number of “reserved seats”, the better... as more of "India" is “learning”.
6. It is not correct to expect Arjun to leave Manmohan in peace. It would be like Tony Blair giving up on George Bush. Too much love and hate to separate the two of them. And they are the solo supporters of each other’s policy!
7. It is not fair to expect Miya Musharraf to give up his presidency and/or his chief of army post. Atleast the posts are Pakistani, unlike Kargil.
8. Its not fair to blame Air Deccan for a few “overbooked” seats. After all, everything in India is overbooked. From the trains, to the buses, to the seats, to the electricity, to the houses, to the concerts, to VIP (apparently!). Even stupidity.
9. Its not fair to expect Renuka Choudhary to stay on the “unequal” side of life. After all, women have been oppressed for a million years, and the vengeance should last another million, at the very least! And, why the hell oppose it when more than half of “man”kind in India is on the other side!
10. Its not fair to expect me to write a wonderful blog every time. Sarcasm is the bitter-sweet taste of life. Black humor is no one’s own. Sarcastic humor is an intoxication with no bounds.

THE INTOXICATION SERIES III

Had a drink… walked over to my garage… the door opens to reveal my shining new Lamborghini Gallardo. I drive it anywhere I want, drive it as fast as I want. Drive it to a race, and play hardball! Walk away with a few grand, some of which I use for a new coat of paint. Just for kicks, ram a few pedestrians in their teeny-weeny cars. The race didn’t do it for me… set a new speed record for the police. And yes… there they are, right on time! The cars have more power on their radios than at the wheels. I can hear them trying to scramble more and more cars, even as the existing ones are on their rims. And then… come the backup cars! By god, these can’t be the police cars! They are as fast as my Lambo!! And they drive more recklessly than me!!! But the radio is still full of their anxious voices. I lead them into the downtown area… drive past their “HQ”. The radio is a blur with all the turns and bumps… I slow down to let them know I know the traffic rules… “We got him surrounded”. I can feel a crash against the bumper. The mirrors have been warning me. And then… I bring to life… the V6. I unleash the power of over 500 horses! I disappear without a trace. The hounds are left smelling the burnt rubber. Now come their friends from the neighboring borough… it’s time to show them how the Lambo handles. The roads are winding, letting never either of us floor the pedal. But the low-end torque of the Lambo is surely the best in its class… the class of Super Cars. The handling is awesome. It’s as if the car seems to know which way I want to go. At the same time, it’s like a beast, which needs to be tamed. The cops are long gone, trying to change gears and keep up with the Lambo. For the couple that did follow, the gas station taught them a lesson they won’t forget in a hurry! On my way back to the garage I met a few cops, but the woods were there in time. The Traction Control and the muddy soil are a potent combination. Too much for the hounds, which should’ve stayed on their homely roads. I turn into the driveway, and see the reflection on the garage door. Not a scratch! It’s a wonderful car. It’s a wonderful drive. It’s the stuff intoxication paradise is made of!